Must run

There's an urgency to get my thoughts out into words just as I am running out of time. I'm almost panting over the keyboard and imagining myself to be formulating these dark and striking statements that will live on longer than a facebook note or a virtual tweet. I haven't sat down and let this happen in a while but this morning I have been bashed on the head with this pathetic man who thinks if he breathes heavily enough into the mouth piece I will ask him to screw me on the phone or better yet meet up and do it! True, I am really running late at this point and I'm not sure why I'm letting myself continue to keep my legs crossed and my fingers go back and forth across the keys, but the thing is, I'm baffled. I'm baffled by yesterday's game, and by the prank caller who had the nerve to video call me, and the amazing man who's being taken for granted and being treated like SHIT! By the road system in zamalek and the water works in heliopolis and the red grapes that he bought just for me...it's been so long since someone was so sweet to me I forgot the protocol on that one. Or by the sudden loss of so many things upon his departure, and the desperation for another's return. I will not explain nor intentionally complicate, I shall just breathe into my mouth then out of my lips and send these words bouncing up until they float down and surround my feet and cover my toes' nail polish. I am really, very late.

Mindful suicides

In principle, I am brave. I am also outspoken and determined. Technically, I will fight for you because I love you, and I will win this race and get that promotion. In essence, I am what I claim to be, without suggestions or assumptions. No confusions either. Clear cut, bordered, perfect silhouttes of my intentions and insatiable attempts to save my face infront of myself.

Conclusively, I tire of the distractions and disappointments and deviations. I find myself continously exhausted at this state of loss. Loss of motivation and interest and passion. Preoccupied by stooping levels of intelligence and quality.

I lack principle, technicality and essence. I can't find it. No. I can't.

Move on, I said, you have bigger fish to fry...

Perhaps I have been quite the accomplishment measurer...seeking accomplishments for self fulfillment issues and such. However lately I've been on a losing streak, and so, such accomplishments have been rare and my self esteem hasn't been exactly on a high. What do they tell us when we're still young and impressionable? Well nothing really, they didn't tell me anything. I kept telling them, I kept telling myself too. I'd become something real fancy, perhaps not rich, perhaps I wouldn't necessarily discover something like that or go down in history, but I'd have accomplished things by a young age. I'd have gone places and seen things and made differences. This ofcourse helped push me along dreadful times of exams and projects and papers. This motivation to finish this stupid dictation of mindless education and make it on my own!

4 years of dreadful university going. I made the most of it, I equipped myself for greatness, promising myself that this is all paving my path of success. Yes this was all me doing things and I'm not even started, see? This was all just an indication of what I am yet to become! ...well...I graduated ..top of my class ..high honors...recommendations...references...job offers in a matter of days. So I gave it a go....9 months later it was a done deal. I wasn't happy, I wasn't fulfilled, I had a nice office, sexy laptop, big leather chair...it paid so well...but what was I doing there? This is not what I promised myself, this is not what I want...a 9-5 job and a big fat pay check? Stuck behind an office feeling useless and stooged. 

Little did they tell me, wait no, I won't blame it on them, but I honestly saw no warning signs that this would be such a dry fucking pond! NO FISH!?! No fish to even fish for in order to catch in order to fry! 

So I'm sitting here, with my rod and line and bait, keeping quiet, waiting for a big fish to hook on. The river looks so still it's almost morbid. I feel like time is endless, I feel like I'm stranded on an island and my only chance at surviving is catching that fish that will be my food for the night. I feel like the sun has been scorching my forehead n shoulders and my back hurts and my eyes have been squinting for so long and I'm so thirsty and I'm just so unbelievably bored! 

It's almost mid fucking year...!!!

Running out of time, gonna do this...

1. Say no when I mean it done.
2. Be honest done.
3. laugh more done.
4. cry less
5. take it easy
6. get a tattoo
7. get a piercing
8. travel 4 times down, at least 20 more to go!
9. expect less Oh ya...
10. stand up for what I want/believe/feel done.
11. work hard out of my hands el sara7a, lol
12. party more and i have the pictures to prove it, lol
13. take care of my skin mish batal
14. eliminate the drama commendable effort!
15. look after my health
16. drive less done.
17. create something
18. read at least 12 books 4 down
19. watch less tv done.
20. charity
21. draw more
22. write more done.
23. learn about cars
24. practice photography couldn't go as far as titling photography
25. redecorate my room done.
26. lower my voice done.
27. don't pick up habits does aywa ba2a count? lol
28. stop apologizing after a sneeze mostly done.
29. chew slower done.
30. maintain eye contact done.
31. learn more about spirituality
32. buy more books done.done.done.
33. pamper myself done.
34. hook up with old friends no but i made so many new ones! lol
35. call mom and miray more done.
36. hire someone to clean :S
37. transcend done.
38. exit plan...
39. Learn the harmonica
40. haircut
41. check up

to be continued & updated..

sigh..

Wonderwalling...

Today is gonna be the day that it's gonna be thrown back to me, and by now I will have somehow realized what i gotta do....because I don't think anybody feels the way you do about me now

and April is finally fucking over!!!!!!!

Pretences and played games and severed emotional ties that continue to tie me down just because things work that way. Prayers for mercy and strength. So much -fake-. So much -crazy-. So much -pain-. So much -Disease-. I wasn't desperately waiting for this month to end as I have been waiting for others. I did wait for one certain week to end, and remembered that there were only so many weeks there for me to wish for their end...smile...Anyways, this month was really...just very, very, long. 

one stolen night away from it all, occasionally interrupted with the failure of the cell network to permanently disappear, but perfection annd new found appreciation for a prism of lights and song.

Two full swigs of danska to my lips, elixir induced laughter that soon turned into anonymous tears and a slurred plea for me to go home.

three hour flights to and back from a game they like to play each year around Easter time, feeling out of place and out of reality and surrounded by utter and stupid denial.

four days of death cheats and stress signals and sensless driving...too fast...too far...

April was originally supposed to be the second month not the fourth! and March the first...and so i've been stuck in a loop of annual beginnings!!!!!!!

Tinkerbell's haircut 

My sexy slutty new phone 

The 3afreeta

Consecutive nights of exessive drinking

one night of exessive dancing

10 things i've never seen before

Fell in love with a baby bump

Transcended

Resumed relations with a very dear and old friend

Drove that E like there was no tomorrow!

My sexy slutty new phone! 

The Gist...

It's that time of the year again when my voice disappears on me. I'll usually cough and clear my throat continuously, then move to the stage when I'll like hearing myself talk 'cause I think I sound kinda sexy, then it's starts sounding annoying...I sound wheezy... (which is how i think sound now) and soon enough it starts hurting, before it goes completely, and a while later starts resurfacing and making it's way through these afore mentioned steps backwards.

Some songs haunt me when I'm feeling a certain way, and it's almost like the shuffle Gods conspire against me, and do not approve of my distraction techniques, and so decide to take advantage of every chance to remind me of what I'm trying to desperately push aside. Make that ANYTHING i'm trying to push aside..Specifically when songs I never really paid attention to start playing and low and behold I can suddenly make out every word and every word is relative and I feel like a bottle of pills that came to life just after a prescription was read.

I've also grown increasingly concerned with the wisdom behind Karma. Because it just can't work like that. At some point we'll get stuck with an imbalance, or actually a perfect balance, and it will not be about karma anymore. Because if the rule says it's cause and effect, then at some point cause will meet cause and the effect will be static. Or equally, effect and effect will clash and there will be no reason behind it. Yet I find myself judging different circumstances with this Karmic equation. Is this a cause of something I have done before, or is it yet to cause an effect and become someone else's cause?

My mind...my mind reserves the right to interrupt me whenever it pleases. At times with quite useful insight, others with the most useless rants, like now. I swing together with it like we're on a pendulum ride, swinging...swinging in perfect physics...but I just can't find equilibrium.

On Sunday I met with a big spider, one of those really light ones, I think it could fly. My arachnophobia kicked in full gear when I turned my head to the right to look outside the car window and there he/she was. Right infront of my nose. I think that might have been what triggered my voice loss because I screamed! I mean I had a knife pulled up in my face and I had an entire glass door shatter one inch away from me and a 25 car pile up almost catching up with my car, but I wait till I see a Spider to start screaming...besides my point... The French believe in a certain foretelling capacity in spiders ...apparently they're signs of good luck!! the bigger the spider the better the luck!!!! So I'm inclined to believe that because I desperately need that...and since we never found it to kill it, the good luck is still applicable.

 

 Salvador Dali's "Spider of the Evening...Hope" 1940