Paint the walls with my brain

Perhaps this is what growing up is really about..the exhaustion that comes with repetitive matter.

I know it sounds naive coming from a 20something year old...who pretty much doesn't know jack shit about real exhaustion. But maybe it's a maturing process. I find myself instantly knowing what I want to avoid and what to seek. I find myself saddened by things that just won't change despite my efforts and in spite of me entirely. I find myself frustrated with mistakes that unfold the same way as the ones before them, confused by why the outcome isn't different even as I approach things with novelty.

Perhaps I lack perspective, or creativity. Maybe I am a lot more limited than I thought and continue to get myself into the same sticky situations with the same consequential events. Maybe I just have a bad learning curve.

Perhaps I'm just tired..and I need a break.

مجنون على نسك

من السهل قوي انك تقرر ان حد "مغرور"..بكلمة وحدة تقرر انسانية الشخص ده. يمكن من تعامل الشخصية معاك, او عدم التعامل .لكن بكل طلقائية و بكل بجاحة تبدأ الشتايم و التهم و جنون اسمه هسس عالدماغ . لاكن انك تفكر ان يمكن الانسان ده مش من حقك؟

مش من حقك تعرفوا وتعاشروا وتحفظوا لغاية ماتعرف طبيعته لان ده اصلا توافق. افرد يا سيدي انت مش متوافق مع الشخصية او حتى هي مش طايقة دين امك يا اخي!!!!! هو ايه بالعافية ولا ارهاب؟

و لو انا قررت اني مش عايزاك.. ده حقي. مش معناه اني مغرورة ولا شرموطة ولانكدية ولا انانية. مفيش اصلا بيننا حاجة ولا كان في ولا هايبقى.

ولا باردو المتوقع مني اني ابررلك نفسي او نيتي. ولو انا مش مرتحالك انا حرة ابعد عنك واطلب منك تغور. من غير بقى متوجع دماغي و تلزائلي و تدي لنفسك مبرر انك تخبط وتهرتل فالكلام. اعزرك؟ يمكن اعزر جنونك بس يا ريت تتجنن بعيد عني بقى ومسمعش صوتك من اصلو.

Isaiah 40:31

But they that wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

I have consumed your every description. of her, of yourself, of you together. I have sat and observed your every wrinkle and bend and your face reminds me of one i have come to adore and despise. Your scent, so obtrusive and violent, offends my loneliness. offends my being, the one I have come to so delicately protect, and desperately maintain.

Then I read what you had to say, once with admiration, another with such awe..many times your words bred violence to my dreams and inclinations towards life, mostly, two days ago, your words, so untrimmed and ugly, like hair growing out of one's mouth or eyes, suffocating and quite blinding, choked me as I read and sobbed violently. As I read and felt the little emotional relevance turn into physical warfare. Reeling in slow motion across my face, my brain processed the words over and over and over again, speaking them to my ears and showing them to my eyes and slapping around something inside my chest, that was translated to me into pathetic attempts to take my breath and quiet myself down.

Immortalized like so many similar statements before, my infant memory must coexist with this one too.

You are so naive.

Kefaya Tanazolat.

Consequences of your actions will always catch up with you.

You never choose who you love.

I repeat the same mistakes...still.

Alone is not so bad.

Some people just don't offer me anything anymore...am I wrong to await an offer?

Some thoughts just never leave.

Some Sadness never stops.

I would miss you even if you never existed.

The artwork in your face inspires me.

Too many cigarettes.

I don't own a pair of converse yet.

Addicted

music is becoming so boring

I fell out of love with my phone, yet I still love you.

Not enough fruits

Mirror conversations still occur.

Car conversations still occur too.

Moisturize more

Make babies

Less weight

More color

Quieter

A little more honesty

Back hurts

Where did the family members go?

I can't go to Taboula again..ever!

I want beer~!

I do not like chewing gum

But i want some

Enough things

More cupboard space needed

More shelves needed for more books to be bought

Highlights

Haircuts

step in puddles

car stereo

Tabeekh

Mekyaj

I want to wander around bra-less forever.

Go for a run

Say it

repetition

routine

old laptop

dying laptop

Chrome themes

google wave my fucking ass

creative?

pluck eye brows

less constant

paperback

soundtracks

loveless marriage

yellowing teeth

bad back

costumes

alcoholic

imaginations and hallucinations.

Crawling on all fours

make coffee

alfein wi tis3a.

Last December, on my birthday in Ras Shetan, I had my tarrot cards read. I was told I would have a fruitful year, that new life would come into my family. I was told there would be love. There would be success. There would be realization of direction and meaning.

I remember feeling happy that day, feeling bright and cheerful about 2009, with open arms...I waited like it would seriously be a year I will never forget, in a good way.

I always thought I wouldn't get to this age, I always lacked the imagination beyond college, hell two years into it kaman. I thought ya, sure I wanna be a journalist. But i never imagined living to graduate or to work, and even now, to marry and become a mother. BUT...I always knew, that 23 would be my year. I would be at the top of my game.

Recalling new year's eve this year, and what a disaster it was and how pathetic I felt that night, and alone and angry and weak, and wondering if this is the perfect ending for 2008. Kanit sana bent weskha.

On the 1st of January, 2009, I had an awesome day, I got a new job, my mom was in town, I had missed her so much and I was feeling like I have this family again. We even had turkey this year. Mom is never around for christmas to cook turkey.

I have at least one blog entry for every month to date. I have had severe ups and downs, I got very sick and recovered. Lost my job, and got a new one. Fell out with friends and made new ones. and got sick again, and lost some more friends.

fe3lan...this year gave me strength. This year I went through about, urm, 2 beautiful months I will never forget, 4 really HORRID depressing and truly unhappy ones, and 3 stable, successful months, the 4th of which is almost half way through.

I was blessed with new life into my family. I even realized how much I want a family of my own too.

I am finally doing something I enjoy, and feel accomplished doing it.

I wrote some of my best and worst. I gained courage and acceptance. I am regretting far less things with far less frequency.

Up until maybe May, I kept wondering how this is my year. By July I figured, hmm, dee bent weskha heya kaman...In September, I didn't think much of it.

Last week, I reflected and really smiled.

Imbari7, I thanked God, I breathed with relief, and I felt overwhelmingly blessed.

Last month, In Ras Shetan, I had my playing cards read. I was promised a wish coming true. I was told I will be okay... That I will hear good news soon. Love was almost a certainty even..

Wallahy wi malo...khir..kolo khir..

Fee nas keteera fashkh halit 3alaya ma3 2009, and I love them.

Ya rab te3ady 3ala khir.

I just don't know what to do...

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.